


The Monstrosi-teas!

by SkyWrites



Category: Monster Hunter (Video Games)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Monster Hunter 4, Monster Hunter Generations, Tea, Tea Parties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 15:18:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15866277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWrites/pseuds/SkyWrites
Summary: "Hey, Squiggle, have you tried Bherna's Fern Tea? It's pretty delish. In fact, it inspired a friend and me to start a club. The Monstrosi-teas! For our next party, you have to dress up as your favorite monster! You'll be joining us, right?"The Soaratorium Gal and the Bherna Gal decide to join the Guildmarm's quest to drink tea and dress up! But the environment is proving to be more than a little unstable. What monsters might show up on the hunt for a social outing?





	The Monstrosi-teas!

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the [Guildmarm's dialogue ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DmCfdomV4AACqVM.jpg:large) as [your housekeeper.](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DmCfZXiVAAAF0Gw.jpg:large) There are probably more than a few little facts wrong here, but I tried my best.

She knew this wasn’t a good idea. She knew she should have just stayed in the Soaratorium, high above the clouds, the wind in her hair, and her precious pages flying away with no return. Well, she actually hated that last part. She really should stop keeping her books out on deck.

“Stop worrying so much!” The Bherna Gal said with a cheerful smile, her cute white fluff bouncing with her bubbly movements. “It’ll be fine! I’m right here with you!”

The Soaratorium Gal hadn’t even said anything! How was it that she could read her so well, huh? Was she some kind of mind reader? Did she regularly drink Psychoserum? Was that a thing people did to read minds!? She needed to experiment and study that stuff more and ma-

“I’m not reading your mind!” Bherna Gal said with a grumpy frown, kind of reading her mind still. “Your face is just incredibly easy to read! You’re… you’re doing the thing right now!”

Soar Gal blinked. She felt her face was incredibly scrunched up. She was making a face, wasn’t she? “I’m sorry! I just… I feel ridiculous!”

“Aw, come on, don’t be like that!” Bherna said, her little bell jingling cutely. “You look adorable! And, honestly? A little cool. I’m sure the Guildmarm will love it.”

“Yeah?” Soar replied worriedly. The wings at her back were so heavy, threatening to break her spine at any moment. But she couldn’t let the Bherna Gal see her weak! She had to act tough! She spent months on this costume! Months she could have been researching other monsters or bettering mankind! But… she spent it on a costume to impress the Guildmarm who, truthfully, was one of her heroes.

The Guildmarm was so cool! She knew _everything_ about monsters! She knew more about monsters than even the Soaratorium Gal! And it was her job to know and research monsters with other scientists!

So, when Soar got the letter from the courier inviting her to Guildmarm’s tea party… she couldn’t say no. Her heart fluttered even higher above the clouds, faster than even a Valstrax! To think the Guildmarm even thought of her at all! And the only requirements were to come dressed as a monster!

At first, though, it was too much. Soar was too nervous, too intimidated. Someone like her could never hold a candle to the Guildmarm’s knowledge, could never hold a conversation with someone as cool as her! But when she told the Bherna Gal about it, Bherna (being the sweetest Gal there is) said ‘Oh! I was invited too! Why don’t we just go together then?’

And well. That’s how she ended up here. Out in the middle of a scorching desert. In full costume. Sweating more than a Bulldrome in a volcano.

A Gargwa rushed by them, honking excitedly, blowing hot sand in Soar’s mouth. It pulled along a cart of various goods and a rather excited Palico took one look at Soar and snickered mischievously. Val Habar was no place for cosplay, yet here she was.

They stood together in front of a sandy little home, right on the busiest street of Val Habar. It was adorned in monster stickers and monster accessories, from chibi Gore Magalas, to Seregios plant pots. (They looked awfully spiky and not very conducive to growing plants, especially here in the desert. The flower itself appeared to have been dead for a long time.)

“W-where’s the Pokke Gal?” Soar asked with a stutter, still too nervous to knock on the door. “She said she’d be coming, didn’t she?”

Bherna’s eyes lit up like a Gypceros’ blinding crest. “Oh! That’s what I forgot to mention!” She mock bonked herself on the head, her soft white fluff protecting her from any possible damage. “Pokke Gal forgot today was the day The Monstrosi-teas meet! And…” She took a thinking pose. “She forgot to buy a ticket to Val Habar. And she forgot to make a costume. And she forgot she had a really important thing to do today. Hm.”

Soar wanted to cry, but it was too hot, and her tears would just evaporate the second they hit the desert air here. “You’re joking!”

“Nope!” Bherna said with a smile that was all too bright. How was she not sweating underneath all that fur? “I’m leaving all the jokes to you! That’s more your forte.”

Her comment was sweet, and Soar had to admit it made her feel better, but that still didn’t change the facts of the situation. “So, it’s just us then!?”

“Mhmm!” Bherna nodded, bell jingling yet again. “You, me, the Guildmarm, and some tea!” She giggled a bit at the rhyme.

Just the three of them? Oh no. No no no. No, this was too much. She should have stayed in bed. “I don’t think I can do this, let’s go back home!” Soar turned around, whacking a (now angry) desert trader, and nearly slapping Bherna with her big black wings.

“Aw, come on, don’t be like that!” Bherna pleaded with that smile of hers that was impossible to defy. She deftly dodged Soar’s wing attack, countering with her own gentle touch of the shoulder. “We went through all the trouble to get here, all we gotta do is have some tea! It’ll be great! Trust me.”

Bherna Gal was always so sweet, was always the first one to push Soar into new things, always giving her the confidence, she needed, but still. She’d rather take a Hellblade Glavenus on her own than have to talk to other people.

“B-but what if she thinks I’m stupid!” Soar whined, finding it much easier to open up to Bherna than anyone else. Somehow, she could never keep all of her anxiety and feelings bottled up around this country gal.

With that same innocent smile and that fluffy Moofah fur, Bherna replied calmly, “Then I’ll beat her up! Right in her own home! No one insults you, hehe!”

Soar froze in place, feeling suddenly like she was in the gaze of some horrifying monster, yet the only thing there was this cute Moofah gal smiling back at her. “Um, well. Thanks, that’s very nice but… don’t beat anyone up?”

“Oh!” Bherna giggled. “Of course I won’t! As long as they don’t insult you.” She was dressed in the fluffiest Moofah costume, a cute Moofah bell jingling around her neck, but still there was this aura of very real danger there. Soar had never seen Bherna beat anyone up, but somehow… she didn’t doubt the Gal at all.

Well! At least she forgot all about her social anxiety! Now she was more worried about Bherna than anything else. “Let’s, um, just get this over with.” Soar sighed, turning around to face the Guildmarm’s door yet again, and (yet again) hitting a (now hissing) Palico in the furry face, all the while Bherna dodged to the side deftly like a stylish adept.

_Knock Knock!_

Before Soar could even rap her knuckles against the wood a third time, the door swung open in a flash, revealing a terrifying Brachydios, its wild eyes gleaming hungrily under the hot sun. Soar screamed in terror, flinging herself clumsily behind Bherna, and smacking a (also angry) hunter in the face as she did so.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa!” Bherna said cheerfully, waving her fluffy arms in greeting, completely ignoring the monster and the fact that Soar was hiding behind her. “We made it!”

“Oh!” The Brachydios exclaimed. “Welcome to the first ever meeting of The Monstrosi-teas! I’m so glad you two could join! You’re the Bherna Gal and that’s the Soaratorium Gal, right?”

“Mmhm!” Bherna said with a nod, pulling Soar out from her hiding spot and into the Brachy’s terrifying hungry gaze. “I think it’s just us? Hope that’s okay.”

The Brachydios waved its punching arms nonchalantly. “Oh, that’s just fine! And…” It stared at Soar, and she could practically hear the creature drooling. “Oh. My. GOSH. Are-are you dressed up as a Valstrax?!”

Soar blinked, her anxiety ridden brain finally given a chance to think. Most Brachydios’ don’t talk, do they? And they usually don’t fit inside peoples’ homes. Oh. Oh!! This was the Guildmarm! Underneath the terrifying angry gaze of the Brachydios, Soar found a mousy girl’s glasses followed by said mousy girl’s face. Her outfit was a full-on suit! It was incredibly realistic! Complete with green slime and everything!

“Um! Yeah, actually!” Soar said with a sheepish grin. (No wait, Moofish! Moofish grin! That’s way more relevant and witty!) “You can tell? I was only able to make the wings, and even that…”

“Of course I can tell!” the Guildmarm said, her breath heavy. “The wings are the most defining feature of that beautiful beast! And such amazing craftsmanship!” She took off one of the Brachy’s punches to let her actual human hand out to feel Soar’s wings. “Ahh,” she moaned a little too loudly. “So sleek and smooth, just like the finest of ship rockets!”

Soar felt her cheeks flush a little, and not just from the desert heat. “Well, um, I do know quite a bit about rockets and stuff I guess. Thank you.”

The Guildmarm’s gaze now fell upon Bherna, her gaze still hungry, her lips still… salivating? No, that must have been a mirage. “And you! You’re a!...” Her lips quickly turned into a dark frown. “… a Moofah?”

Bherna giggled, her bell jingling cutely yet again. Her body was covered head to toe in white fluff, and to top it all off, she wore an adorable little headband with floppy Moofah ears. “Yep! Baaaaaa Baaaaa!” She said, and it was so cute it _hurt._

Sadly, Bherna Gal’s cute attack was completely deflected by the Guildmarm’s tough Brachy hide. “That’s not a monster,” she said, unamused.

“Ah, well!” Bherna laughed, dodging the Guildmarm’s rather aggressive tone with an adept’s ease. “Close enough, am I right?”

For a moment, Soar was sure (Or was she soar!? Haha, oh that’s a good one.) that this Brachydios was going to enrage, but instead its frown quickly turned upside down and pointed her puncher inside. “I guess it is! Come come, let’s get out of this dreadful heat!”

“Okay!” Bherna said happily, bell jingling as she tugged Soar in through the tiny doorway, managing to only hit the Guildmarm in the face one (or two) time(s) with her giant wings.

* * *

Luckily for them, the Guildmarm’s home actually was cooler. A miniature Gammoth figure stood tall and menacing in the living room, its fuzzy trunk blowing a constant stream of icy-cool air. It would have been cute, if there weren’t so many other monster related knickknacks all over the house. All sorts of wyvern monsters dangled from the ceiling from Azure Rathalos to Qurupeco, and that wasn’t even the start.

The couch and chairs were adorned with terrifying monsters, the pillows were big fluffy chubby Zamtrios, or chibi Teostras. The _tea pot_ was a _Mizutsune_ for goodness sake. Its fluffy tail the handle, and its spout its… snout. To Soar’s horror, even the _cups_ were monster themed, with little hermitaur legs sticking out from under the ceramic, its shell the cup itself.

“Ah, excuse the mess!” the Guildmarm said, her Brachy punchers just pushing her books and pages off the table and out of the way. If Soar hadn’t been terrified of this woman, she’d have been in awe at all the books and research papers scattered throughout the place. It was very familiar. “I don’t usually get visitors, and honestly? I don’t come home very often!”

Bherna was, of course, completely unphased by the obsessive monster collecting. “Oh, your home is absolutely adorable!”

The Guildmarm smirked, whatever bad blood was between them seemingly vanished. “Thank you, it’s nice to see you have some g _ood taste_ after all!” Okay, maybe there was still a little tension there. She patted (more like punched) the chairs around her tea table, a gentle smile on her face that betrayed the angry Brachy suit she wore. “Come have a seat you two! I made the tea special for just such an occasion!”

Everything worried the Soar Gal, but the sound of ‘special tea’ worried her even more. Sadly, the thought of being socially awkward was even _more_ worrying, so she scooched herself into one of the chairs, her wings knocking a Zamtrios pillow onto the ground.

“Er. Sorry.” Something clicked in Soar’s head, something ugly and wonderful. But her mouth couldn’t help but blurt it out, like a Congalala’s disgusting belch. “Or should I say, _Soarry_?” She laughed at her own joke like an idiot. “You know, like, Soaratorium.” _Please laugh._

Bherna let out a gentle giggle as she sat her fluffy behind onto the chair, as dainty as can be. The Guildmarm didn’t so much as twitch her lips at the joke. _Ouch._

“I’ll get the tea,” she said calmly, removing her pounders.

The stuff that came out of the Mizutsune’s mouth was bright green and bubbly like the Bherna Gal and the monster’s own saliva. (A little weird.) But it was pretty and had a delightful sweet smell that reminded Soar a little too much of the Brachydios’ slime. She took a sip of the hot stuff, and found it had the texture to match?! It was off-putting at first, but as it slid down her throat, the sweetness of it exploded in her mouth, like a delicious Blast Blight. _Oh, that’s a good one! Say that one out loud!_

“This is great!” Soar said, trying her best to sound cheerful, which most people were fooled by, or else she wouldn’t have gotten her job. “It’s like an explosion in your mouth! Like a yummy Blast Blight!” _Come on, now that’s witty!_

Once again, Bherna laughed her sweet gentle laugh that she always did at Soar’s jokes. She continued to sip her tea cheerfully.

The table rumbled. The entire _house_ rumbled. The Guildmarm’s punchers slammed against the table as she laughed uproariously, the sound itself stunning Soar. “That. Is. **HILARIOUS,** ” Guildmarm cried as she laughed, leaving Soar to wonder when she put her punchers back on. And maybe if she had been drinking some of the tea before this. … the tea wasn’t spiked, right?

Either way, it was nice to have people laugh at her jokes! Even if maybe it was a little _too_ much laughter. Beggars can’t be choosers! Bherna simply smiled, looking on as if nothing was wrong.

“Okay, so, you gotta tell me,” Guildmarm started, her laughter dying down into a cheery grin. “What’s your costume made out of?”

“Real Moofah fur! Straight off the Moofah!” Bherna said happily, sipping at her hermitaur cup cutely. “I even borrowed this bell from one of our little cuties!”

Guildmarm narrowed her eyes. She very clearly was not asking Bherna and was also really not interested in Moofahs. “That’s nice.”

“Ah, well, mine was really difficult!” Soar started, trying to take attention away from those two. “I mostly used some Yukumo Hardwood as the base and whittled it down from there. Despite how strong it is, it’s surprisingly light! Er, for the most part.” She went on in more detail than she probably should have.

“Fascinating,” Guildmarm breathed out, enthralled by the explanation. “You must know a lot about the Valstrax, huh?”

Her gaze was enough to make an Agnaktor blush! “Aha,” Soar laughed awkwardly. “Well, it’s certainly the monster we’ve been trying to study the most over at the Soaratorium.” But she wanted to get the subject off her. “What about you? What’s your costume made out of?”

“Oh, this?” Guildmarm asked, trying (and failing) to suppress her pride. “Made out of genuine Brachydios! Here, feel, feel!” She pulled both Bherna and Soar closer to her and made them run their fingers across the incredibly rough leathery suit. It was even a little slimy too somehow? Soar could feel the actual angry veins bulging through it, as if the creature were still alive and even more furious to see how its body was being used.

“Wow, that’s so authentic! Just like mine!” Bherna said cheerfully, completely ignoring the fact that she was just wearing the fur of a Moofah, and not the actual _flesh_ of the creature.

Soar was more than a little unsettled, but was it really so different than wearing it as armor? She supposed not, but it didn’t quite sit well with her. “It’s, um, yeah! Wow, really …. Slimy.”

“Just make sure you don’t get it in your eyes,” Guildmarm said casually. “Or make any sudden movements with it.” Like she hadn’t just been punching the table with the stuff!? Wait, this wasn’t really Blast Slime, was it!?

“Anyways!” the Guildmarm started again, shrugging off Soar’s worries. “Now that we’ve had our tea, it’s time we acted out our costumes!”

_What_.

“Oh, that sounds so fun!” Bherna said hopping up and down, (hopefully not about to explode) her bell jingling like crazy. “I’ve been practicing with the other Moofahs for this.”

“Eh? Act out our costumes?” Soar repeated weakly, her heart in her throat.

Guildmarm nodded, her Brachy horn dangerously close to hitting the girls as she did so. “Yeah, I wrote it on the back of the card!”

“I… didn’t check the back,” Soar mumbled, horrified with herself. There was no way. No. She was _not_ going to roleplay as a monster with them.

“Aw, come on!” Bherna whined, her sweet voice hypnotizing, powerful, controlling. “You’re an amazing comedian and scientist! I know you can do it!”

“Well, okay,” Soar heard her mouth saying. No. No. No! Why did she say that?

“Yaay!” Bherna giggled, clapping and jingling and baaing. It was too much.

This… this wasn’t one of those _weird_ things, right? Where people dress up in monster suits and… what was it…. rawrff? Oh. Oh no. Soar supposed if it was with the Bherna Gal it would be okay, but she was a little intimidated by the Guildmarm who’s glasses seemed to be glowing with a dangerous power.

“Why don’t you start for us?” The Guildmarm asked calmly and politely looking Soar’s way, her monstrous aura betraying everything. “I’d love to see your research in action!”

What in the world was she supposed to do? She felt her throat close up, felt her head spinning like she had just got hit in the head with a Spinning Meteor. “I… I couldn’t. I don’t know how?”

Guildmarm adjusted her glasses with her pounder so easily, like it was something she was way too used to. “Don’t worry so much. Why don’t you just try imitating its roar first?”

“Baa, baa!”

“ _Not you_.”

Soar wanted to cry. But that would just make things more embarrassing with her idols staring at her like this. She had to do it! She had to prove she was strong. Come on, Gal, you can do it! You can do it!

“Um… Rawr.” That was pathetic.

Something sparkled on the Guildmarm’s lenses, but her facial expression stayed stern and calm. “You can do it. Come on, now, with feeling. Feel the Valstrax’s hot flames against your back. See the pathetic hunter in front of you, challenging _you_ of all people! Who does that hunter think they are?”

Soar closed her eyes and nodded. She felt the wind rushing through her scales, wooshing through her wings as she sped over oceans, mountains, through space itself! And when she landed, she saw it. That hunter. The tiny miniscule thing. It wanted to challenge her? Was it so stupid? She had no reason to fight the thing, it wasn’t even worth biting into. She could simply roar to scare the little ant away and be done with it. She felt the air build up in her lungs, felt the flames burning at her back, in her wings…

“ **RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH**!!!”

The jingling bell went silent, and the Guildmarm’s glasses fell crooked across her face, knocked back by the sheer force of Soar’s scream. They blinked at her, frozen in place.

“Um!... Sorry!” Soar said, suddenly remembering how weak and frail and awkward her body was.

“That was amazing!” Bherna said, trembling a little, yet still smiling brightly. “I really thought the Valstrax had landed in Val Habar and was attacking us!” Soar wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not.

“Yes, don’t apologize,” the Guildmarm said quietly, her chair creaking dangerously as she stood up. “As a Brachydios, I don’t care what kind of monster you are. If you encroach on my territory, I _will_ smash you.”

“Uh. Hehe.” Soar tried to giggle nonchalantly, but it wasn’t coming out right. “What?”

The Guildmarm stood tall, her dark blue scales gleaming dangerously like a spiky mace in the night. In what was meant to be a dangerous and lethal move, she licked her pounders, just like a Brachydios would, but it came off as uhm… kind of inappropriate? Well, it was intimidating for sure. Also, wait, wasn’t that actually Blast Blight-

“ **RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH**!!!” the Brachydios screeched, turning Soar’s legs into jelly, barely able to hold herself up.

“I, um.”

In the next few moments, Soar found herself confused. She wasn’t sure how it all happened, how _everything_ happened, how her _life_ happened. Was any of this real? Was she in some kind of fever dream?

She tried to remember what happened. The Brachymarm had charged at her, knocking the table over completely, the cute cups shattering into a million pieces. This is where things got confusing. Next thing she remembered was being out of breath, on the floor, her wings pressing into her back. The Brachymarm was staring down at her, eyes wild and angry and definitely a little drunk.

Something else happened after? But it… it must have been a dream. None of this was actually happening right? This didn’t just happen with people. These kind of things were not normal.

Before the Brachymarm could finish off Soarstrax, a Moofah Gal came rushing in, baaing and jingling all the way. Using her fluffy, yet sturdy skull, she headbutted the Brachymarm off Soar, sending the terrifying creature back onto its butt, completely stunned.

“Baa, baa, baaaa!” The Moofah Gal said heroically, still a cheery smile on her face. Somehow, Soar had understood. _This Valstrax is my friend! If you want to hurt her, you’ll have to go through me!_

And then it was all over? Again, Soar was not sure any of this actually happened.

“Ahhh, very good, very good!” The Guildmarm said with a pleased grin on her face. She brushed herself off casually and stood like…. like a human. “That was great. You two were amazing!”

Bherna giggled. “Thanks! That was a lot of fun! You were great too!” At least there didn’t seem to be any bad blood anymore? Hopefully no actual blood either.

“I’d say the first meeting of The Monstrosi-teas was a huge success,” Guildmarm said, nodding, completely ignoring the broken cups and upturned table beside her.

“Uh.” Soar still had the wind knocked out of her.

“I loved it!” Bherna cheered, jingling yet ever more. “Will there be more of these?”

“Yup!” Guildmarm adjusted her glasses, pounders mysteriously missing yet again. “Same time next week. I expect you two will be joining again?”

“Hhhum?”

Bherna helped Soar up off the floor, brushing the debris off her. “Of course! We wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“Hhhaahh?”

“Our flight is going to be leaving soon, so if you don’t mind, I think we’ll be heading off?” Bherna said.

“Of course, of course. Thank you so much for coming.”

“Thank you for having us!”

And just like that, they were back out at Val Habar, the desert heat a much too hot reality for Soar. It was all too much. But Bherna lead her through the crowded streets toward their airship home. Truth be told, she wasn’t sure how she was feeling. It was all a lot to process. She just wanted to go back up in the clouds and lay in bed for the rest of the day.

“But it was a lot of fun wasn’t it?” Bherna gal asked as the wind blew through her fur, her form matching the clouds high up in the sky. They were already on their ship, going home. “Not that I’m reading your mind. Again, you’re just doing the face.”

Oh.

Well, as long as Soar had a Gal with her, things weren’t so bad! Especially when it was the Bherna Gal. Maybe she’d show up next week after all. Or maybe she’d fall off the ship or get eaten by an Akantor. Both were valid options. She shrugged.

The sky looked bright above the clouds, the world was painted in all sorts of different oranges and reds as the sun set. It was prettier than she remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh by the way, I ship Bherna Gal and Soaratorium Gal. Sorry. They're not really shipped all that much here, but they're cute. Also the Guildmarm is my absolute favorite. Thanks for reading!


End file.
